📍 Welcome back to No Silver Spoons. I'm Sarah Beth Herman, and if you've been following this Human Side of Leadership series with me, thank you so much for being here. Every episode we've recorded this summer has made me think long after I turned my mic off. But again, I'm gonna say this, this episode has probably stayed with me more than any of the others because I kept catching myself doing exactly what we're gonna talk about today.

And I know I've said that in almost every intro that this episode is the one that made me think the most, but I have thought and prepared for a long time on this series, and each of the episodes have been so intentional. I don't know if you've ever had one of those moments where something happens and before you even realize it, your mind has already decided what it means.

Maybe someone didn't respond to your email, or a client didn't decide to move forward, or maybe your spouse seems distracted at dinner, or an employee walks past your office without saying much. What's interesting isn't the event itself, it's what happens next

Within seconds, our minds begin writing a story. Most of the time, we don't even realize that it's happening. We think that we're responding to facts, but we're usually responding to the explanation we've created about those facts. The reason I wanted to spend an entire episode on this is because I don't think enough people are talking about it.

We hear a lot about mindset. We hear people tell us to think positively, believe in ourselves, change our perspective. But none of those things are necessarily wrong. I just think that they miss something that's a little bit deeper. The real question isn't whether you're thinking positively. The real question is, what story have you already decided is true?

Because once we decide something is true, it is amazing how quickly we begin calculating evidence to support it. I've watched this happen in business for years. Actually, I've watched it happen to myself. Once I started seeing it, I can't unsee it

One of the things I love most about building businesses is that people constantly surprise me, and not because they're unpredictable, although they certainly can be. What surprises me is how two intelligent, experienced people can walk through the exact same situation and leave believing completely different things.

I've seen this happen with clients of mine. I've seen it happen with employees of mine. I've seen it happen with business owners that I mentor. I've even seen it happen inside my own companies. Imagine two entrepreneurs who both lose a client on the same day. From the outside, the event is identical.

Same outcome, same disappointment, same financial impact. But if you could listen to the conversation each of them has with themselves on the drive home that day, you'd hear two completely different worlds unfolding. One is thinking, " We're getting too expensive. Maybe we're pricing ourselves out of the market."

The other one is thinking, " Maybe we weren't the right fit. Let's figure out what we can learn and keep moving forward." Neither one of them has any new information. Neither one knows exactly why the client left. Yet they've already started building two completely different futures.  One of these stories leads to fear.

The other one leads to growth. The event did not change, the interpretation did, and that is fascinating to me. The more I've paid attention to this over the years, the more I've realized that we don't actually live in reality as much as we think we do.

We live in our interpretation of reality.  Think about families for a minute. Have you ever listened to two siblings talk about their childhood? Same parents, same house, same vacations, same rules, and somehow it sounds like they grew up in two completely different families. I've had those conversations, and I always walk away thinking, "How can both of these stories exist at the same time?"

The answer is because they aren't really talking about the events. They're talking about the meaning those events had to them. That's what human beings do. We're constantly assigning meaning. Sometimes that meaning is accurate, and sometimes it isn't. The challenge is that our brains don't seem particularly concerned with waiting for all of the information before reaching a conclusion.

They want certainty, and they'll often choose certainty long before they'll choose accuracy. I catch myself doing this more often than I'd like to admit For me, someone cancels a meeting. For a split second, I wonder if they're unhappy. Someone is unusually quiet. I wonder if I missed something.

An email feels shorter than normal. I start filling in the blanks that probably don't even exist. And maybe you have done that, too. Then two days later, you find out their child was sick, or they were traveling, or they had three hundred unread emails, and they were simply trying to survive their week.

Nothing about the situation changed. The only thing that changed was the story, and that's why I think this conversation today matters so deeply. Most of us spend our lives trying to solve problems without ever stopping to just ask whether we're solving the right problem in the first place.  because sometimes the greatest obstacle isn't what's happening around us.

Sometimes it's the story we've quietly accepted about what's happening around us. And once a story feels true, it has an incredible way of influencing every single decision that follows I think one of the biggest mistakes I've made over the years is believing that just because I thought something, it must be true.

That sounds almost silly to say out loud, doesn't it? Of course, every thought isn't true. We all know that. Yet somehow, we still live as if every thought deserves to be believed. I've caught myself doing it more times than I can count. A client decides not to move forward, and for this split second in time, I start wondering if we missed something.

Did we say the wrong thing? Are we charging too much? Are we losing our edge? Are there too many competitors? And then I just crumble. But I have to stop myself because here's what experience has taught me. I don't actually know why that client made their decision. I'm filling in the blanks. And if I'm not careful, those blanks, they become beliefs, and those beliefs, they become these decisions, and then these decisions begin shaping the future of my business, and all because of a story I wrote without realizing that I was the author.

I think that's what makes this conversation so important. Our lives aren't shaped only by what happens to us. They are shaped by the meaning we assign to what happens Viktor Frankl is a psychiatrist and a Holocaust survivor, and he wrote that between stimulus and response, there is a space, in that space is our power to choose our response.

I've thought about that quote for years, and not because I think it's telling us to ignore reality. It's reminding us that there is a moment, however brief, where we get to decide whether we are going to react to the event or react to the story we've created about the event.

Those aren't always the same thing. The more I've studied neuroscience over the years, the more fascinating it becomes. Your brain was never designed to know everything. It was designed to keep you alive. That means it's constantly looking for patterns. It's asking questions like: Have I seen this before?

Is this safe? What happened the last time? Our brains are prediction machines.

 In fact, neuroscientist Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett argues that the brain is constantly making predictions about what's happening before it has all of the information. It fills in gaps using previous experiences, memories, and expectations because waiting for perfect information would be too slow.

Think about how incredible that is. Most of the time, you're not responding to reality in real-time. You're responding to your brain's best prediction of reality

Sometimes those predictions are helpful, and sometimes they're completely wrong. Have you ever walked into a room convinced that everyone was judging you? Or reread a text message five different ways because you were certain something was just off?

Then later you realize the other person was simply busy.

Nothing changed except your interpretation. That has happened to all of us. The problem isn't that our brain creates stories. The problem is that we rarely stop long enough to question them

I've started asking myself a different question over the last few years. Instead of asking, " What happened?" I've started asking, "What else could be true?" I love that question because it immediately slows my thinking down. Maybe the client didn't leave because of price. Maybe their priorities changed.

Maybe the employee wasn't quiet because they were frustrated. Maybe they had a sick child at home. Maybe my friend wasn't short with me because they were upset with me. Maybe they were carrying something that they hadn't told anyone yet. You see what that question does? It creates space, and sometimes that's exactly what wisdom looks like.

Not having the answer, but creating enough space that you don't rush the wrong one. There's actually another phenomenon psychologists have studied for years, and it's called confirmation bias. It's the tendency to notice information that supports what we already believe while we unintentionally are ignoring information that challenges it.

Think about that in the context of leadership. If I convince myself that an employee isn't committed anymore, suddenly every late arrival becomes proof. Every mistake reinforces the story. Every quiet meeting confirms what I've already decided. But what if the story was wrong from the beginning? I may never even notice the evidence pointing in another direction because my brain is busy collecting evidence for the conclusion I've already reached.

We are all susceptible to this, and not because we're irrational, but because we are human

I think social media has made this even more challenging.  Algorithms learn what we already believe, and they continue feeding us information that reinforces those beliefs. And over time we begin mistaking repetition for truth. Just because we've heard something a hundred times doesn't make it accurate.

It simply makes it familiar. I wonder how often we do the same thing with ourselves. " I've always been bad with money." " I'm not a good public speaker." "I'll never be organized." " Nobody appreciates what I do." " They always do blank." " I never blank." Those sentences, they become scripts, and after we've repeated them enough times, they stop sounding like opinions, and now they start sounding like facts.

  One study published in Nature Reviews Neuroscience suggests that the brain becomes more efficient with repeated thought patterns, essentially strengthening the neural pathways associated with those patterns.

In simple terms, the more often we think a thought, the easier it becomes to think it again. , That should encourage us, but it should also challenge us because if repeated thoughts become easier to repeat, then maybe one of the greatest responsibilities we have isn't controlling every single circumstance.

Instead, it's becoming more aware of the stories we rehearse every single day. Not every thought deserves your trust. Not every assumption deserves your agreement, and not every story deserves a permanent place in your life

Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do isn't to find a better answer. It's to become curious enough to ask whether we've been asking the right question all along. As I've gotten older, I've become less interested in being right and more interested in seeing clearly.

Ten years ago, if something happened in my business, I probably would've reacted much faster. I would've felt the pressure to explain it, to solve it, to fix it, even protect it. I thought decisive leadership meant having an immediate answer.

Now I've learned that some of the strongest leaders I know aren't the fastest to reach a conclusion. They're the fastest to recognize when they don't have enough information yet. There's a difference there. I've watched this play out in my own life more times than I can count, I'm sure. A difficult conversation, a client decision, a season where growth slows down, or a relationship that suddenly feels different.

In those moments, my mind wants to do what your mind probably wants to do too. It wants to explain it. It wants to make sense of it. It wants to close the loop as quickly as possible

But life doesn't always hand us complete information.  Sometimes all we have is a moment, and what we choose to write into that moment really does matter

I've realized that one of the greatest forms of emotional maturity isn't having all the answers. It's being willing to leave a question unanswered until the truth has a chance to catch up. It requires this extreme patience that sometimes I'm really short on. It requires humility, and honestly, I think it requires trusting that uncertainty isn't your enemy.

I think about how many relationships have been damaged because someone assumed instead of asking how many businesses have changed direction because a leader panicked instead of pausing? How many opportunities have been missed because someone decided they weren't qualified before anyone else had the chance to decide?

We rarely see those moments for what they are. We call them instincts. , sometimes they are wisdom, but sometimes they're wounds wearing the mask of wisdom, and there is a difference. And learning to recognize that difference has changed me, changed the way that I lead, the way that I communicate, and even the way that I pray.

One of the prayers I found myself praying more often isn't, "God, give me the answer." It's, "God, help me see this clearly." Because clarity has a way of quieting fear, and fear wants to finish the story before it's even written.

Wisdom is willing to wait another page. If there's one thing I hope you take away from today's conversation, it's this: be careful about the stories you repeat to yourself. Not because they don't matter, but because they matter more than you even realize. The stories you rehearse become the expectations that you carry, and those expectations, they shape your decisions.

They shape your relationships, your leadership, your business, your family, and eventually, they begin shaping the person that you become. The beautiful part is this: just because you've believed a story for years doesn't mean it has to define the rest of your life. You're allowed to question it.

You're allowed to rewrite it. You're allowed to say, "Maybe there's another explanation that I haven't considered." And I think that's where wisdom really does begin, not with certainty, but instead with curiosity, because curious people, they keep learning. Curious leaders, they keep growing, and people who keep growing rarely stay stuck for very long So before you move on with your day, I want to leave you with one simple challenge, our That's Good moment.

 Over the next week, I want you to pay attention to the sentences that begin with, " I always," " They never," " Nobody," " I'll never," " That's just the way it is." I'm gonna repeat these one more time. I want you paying attention to the sentences that begin with, " I always," "They never," " Nobody," " I'll never," " That's just the way it is."

I don't want you to try to fix these right away. I just want you to notice them. Write one of them down if you have to, and then ask yourself one question: Is this the truth, or is this the story I've been telling myself? You may discover that what you've been calling reality is actually an interpretation.

And if that's true, then maybe your future isn't waiting for a different circumstance. Maybe it's waiting for a different lens. And for me, that's really good. Thank you for spending part of your day with me. It never means less to me the more this podcast grows.

In fact, it means more. And I know there are thousands of podcasts you could choose to listen to, and the fact that you've invited me into your drive, your workout, your walk, or wherever you're listening is something that I don't take lightly. If this episode challenged the way you think, I'd love for you to share it with someone who comes to mind.

Sometimes the best conversations don't actually end when the episode is over. They begin because someone cared enough to send it. If you're enjoying this Human Side of Leadership summer series, we're not done yet. We still have more conversations ahead, and I truly believe they are building on one another in a way that helps us become not just better leaders, but better humans.

Until next time, remember this: Your next move matters. Make it with intention. 📍 I'll catch you on the next episode of No Silver Spoons