📍   What's up, you guys? Welcome back to No Silver Spoons. I'm your host, Sarah Beth Herman, and I wanted to invite you guys today to learn more about me by checking the show notes, connecting with me on LinkedIn, checking out my website bio, or even following me on Instagram. I would love to support you and connect with you, so please be sure to do that once you finish listening to this episode.

So I've been thinking about having an episode like this one for a while, because there is a phrase I keep hearing lately that honestly bothers me every single time I hear it. But every time I went to write the script, collect research, figure out what I was gonna say or how I was going to address it, I would hit this wall thinking that I would offend several groupings of listeners.

 So I spent more time thinking about it, researching it, and deciding how I would actually put it all together. The phrase, the saying is, "Not my circus, not my monkeys." Now, listen, before anybody gets defensive, I understand what people mean when they say it. I understand boundaries. I understand protecting your peace.

I understand not carrying responsibility that belongs to somebody else. And I'm not talking about unhealthy work environments where people are constantly expected to over-function or save everybody around them. That's not what I mean. But I do think that we've reached this weird place culturally where emotional disengagement is starting to get confused with wisdom, and you can feel it everywhere.

You can feel it at work. You can feel it in leadership, on teams, in relationships. Everybody's just tired. They're burnt out. They're overwhelmed, so people start emotionally checking out before things even become difficult. And while I completely understand why that happens, I also think there is a consequence to living that way long term.

Because eventually, when everybody adopts the mindset of, "That's not my problem, someone else will handle it, I'm staying out of it," culture starts quietly falling apart, and not dramatically, but quietly. And then we start to see communication break down, trust break down. People stop helping each other.

Everybody stays in their own lane, and they start operating from self-protection instead of shared responsibility. And honestly, I don't think most workplaces have a talent problem. I think they have an ownership problem. You can feel the difference immediately in environments where people actually care about themselves.

The people who step in early, who communicate, the people who notice something falling apart and they handle it instead of waiting for someone else to do it That changes everything, especially in leadership. And I think part of why this topic hits me so deeply is because I've lived both sides of leadership.

If you listen to my Keep Going series back in season four, you probably remember me talking about interviewing for a promotion that I wanted so badly at the time. And when I say I worked for it, I mean I literally worked for it. I spent twelve weeks interviewing. I had to deliver presentations, preparation, pressure from bosses, coworkers, reviewing everything with my husband a thousand times, trying to prove myself, trying to show that I was capable.

And after all of that, I sat across from my district manager and was basically told, " It's not your time yet. You still have more work to do." And I remember how crushing that felt, and not because I thought I was above growth, but because I had convinced myself that effort should automatically equal reward.

And honestly, looking back now, I can see how much that season shaped me because leadership will humble you long before it promotes you. And I think that's why I struggle so much with this mentality we're talking about today of this, like, immediate disengagement. Because some of the biggest growth seasons of my life came from moments where I could have emotionally checked out, but I didn't.

I, I've also experienced what it feels like to build something you genuinely care about and then watch it change overnight. There were times when I was a district manager, or regional director of operations over multiple practices, and I loved them. Teams that I got to know, that I was close with, teams I poured into, cultures that I helped strengthen, businesses I made profitable, relationships I invested in deeply.

And then I remember having offices reassigned away from me while being handed more struggling offices instead.  And If I'm being honest, that affected me more than I wanted it to because when you've worked hard to build trust and stability somewhere, it's hard not to take it personally when things shift.

It's hard to not question yourself. It's hard to not become discouraged. But looking back now, I also realize those harder offices taught me more about leadership than the easier ones ever could. You see, anybody can lead environments that are already healthy. The real test is what happens when you walk into dysfunction, when you feel tension, when you know there's burnout, when there's miscommunication or low morale, and you still choose to stay engaged.

That changes who you are as a leader. And honestly, some of my most exhausting seasons professionally probably taught me the most emotionally I had another position many years ago where I was actually driving three hours one way to visit offices that I was overseeing. Three hours there, three hours back.

I did it every other week, three days a week. And after doing it for a while, I finally asked if there could be an additional compensation for the amount of travel and the time being required of me. I was away from my family more. It just, it felt appropriate to ask. And honestly, instead of feeling supported, I felt completely dismissed and actually shunned for even asking.

Moments like that can really mess with you psychologically because when someone feels unseen long enough, unsupported long enough, or emotionally dismissed long enough, eventually self-protection kicks in. And you guys have heard me talk about this topic before, but neuroscience is all over that. The nervous system starts prioritizing emotional survival over contribution.

And that's part of why I think this conversation matters so deeply because leadership impacts your nervous system whether you realize it or not. People don't perform well long term in environments where they constantly feel unsupported or dismissed or emotionally unsafe.

And what's interesting is there's actual psychology behind why so many people struggle with this now. The human brain is wired to avoid discomfort, like literally wired for it. Our nervous system is constantly scanning for stress, rejection, conflict, uncertainty, emotional tension. And when something feels uncomfortable, the brain naturally wants relief as quickly as possible, which is why avoidance actually feels good temporarily.

That's important because sometimes when people say, "That's not my problem," what they're actually saying is, "I don't want the emotional discomfort attached to dealing with this." And honestly, I think we all do it sometimes. Difficult conversations are uncomfortable. Accountability is uncomfortable.

Leadership is uncomfortable. The problem is the more we avoid uncomfortable situations, the more our brain learns avoidance in the safest response, which means over time, people don't become more resilient, they actually become more avoidant. And I think we're seeing that everywhere now. People are emotionally exhausted, yes, but instead of building resilience, many people are unintentionally building emotional escape routes And again, I'm not saying every situation deserves your energy.

Some situations absolutely require boundaries, but there is a huge difference between healthy boundaries and complete disengagement. That's a different conversation because leadership, real leadership, requires the ability to stay psychologically present even when something feels uncomfortable.  That's one of the biggest differences I've personally noticed between grounded leaders and reactive people.

Grounded leaders regulate first. Reactive people escape first. What are you doing? Are you grounded or are you reactive? Huge difference. And I think social media has distorted leadership a little bit too. Everybody wants to influence now. Everybody wants visibility. They want the title. They want to be respected, but very few people want the invisible work attached to the leadership.

Those awkward conversations, the emotional responsibility, the accountability, the moments where nobody is clapping for you and you still have to show up well. And that's where leadership is actually built. That's not a social media tagline that I'm telling you. It really is where leadership is built.

Not where everything is easy, not where you finally get promoted, not where everybody finally notices you. Leadership is built in the moments where it would honestly be easier to emotionally check out, but you chose not to. I think about this one story all the time about Sidney Weinberg. I hope that you've heard of this story.

If you haven't and it's the first time, I hope that you love it. Sidney Weinberg started at Goldman and Sachs as basically a janitor's assistant as a teenager, sweeping floors, running errands, doing all the work that people usually overlook. And eventually, Sidney Weinberg became the CEO. Obviously, this is an extreme example, but the reason the story matters to me is because somewhere along the way, he learned how to serve before he ever led.

And I think that matters more than you even realize, because if you cannot respect the small responsibilities, the bigger responsibilities will eventually expose that. You learn things holding the broom that you could have never learned holding the title. You learn humility and discipline and consistency and patience and emotional control.

And honestly, some of the strongest leaders I've ever met were people willing to do the things outside of their job description without acting like it damaged their ego. Oftentimes, as a business owner, friends, family, colleagues, people who have worked with me in a past position They'll look at me and tell me my life is so easy, my life is so simple, it must be nice.

But what they don't understand is all the things it takes to continue to get up every day. I can't just put in my two weeks notice when I have to have a hard conversation or I don't wanna deal with someone's crap. I don't have the luxury of just walking away or closing my laptop or turning my phone off or going on a six-month-long vacation so that I can just disappear.

I can't just emotionally disengage from everyone that works for me that's driving me crazy. It's sustaining. It's showing up every day even when it's really hard. It's picking up the phone, it's doing the tasks, it's researching what my team does, it's fixing problems because no matter how much I pour into my team, no matter how much leadership training I get, no matter what education I have, there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that will prevent me from having to deal with the hard stuff.

I don't get the luxuries that many people exhibit today, and I say they're luxuries because I have no option to act the way that I see leaders acting today. I don't have that option. I wouldn't have a company. I wouldn't have five companies. I wouldn't have a podcast. I wouldn't have awards. I wouldn't have an education if I just took the opportunity that presented itself, good or bad, to walk away from someone who was annoying and said, "Not my circus, not my monkeys."

Because that phrase can be applied anywhere, even if you own the place, and I'm challenging you to see what's in front of you and how you are operating that way. Even if you aren't saying that statement, even if you aren't using those exact words, maybe those words are just coming out in your actions.

And maybe you know people I'm talking about, but I want you to challenge yourself to be the person who notices something falling apart and handles it, the person who helps solve problems instead of just talking about problems, the person who is willing to have the conversation everyone else is avoiding, the person who stays calm while everybody else escalates emotionally.

That is real leadership to me. It's not performative confidence, it's not motivational quotes, it's not being the loudest person in the room. It's just steadiness, it's just ownership,, it's emotional maturity, it's consistency, and real grit. Not hustle culture grit. I mean the kind of grit where you continue showing up when things become emotionally inconvenient.

There's also a lot of research around this when it comes to workplace psychology and organizational behavior. Studies continue showing that trust in leadership directly impacts morale. It directly impacts collaboration , and overall performance, which honestly, if you think about it, it makes sense.

People don't trust perfection. People trust consistency. They trust people who communicate, people who stay connected during the really, really difficult moments, people who take ownership instead of disappearing the second things become uncomfortable.

 Something else I found really interesting while researching for this episode is how much emotional safety actually impacts behavior. When people operate in environments where mistakes are punished harshly, communication is poor, or trust is low, the brain naturally shifts into a self-protection mode, which means people stop taking initiative.

They stop speaking up. They stop helping. They stop engaging. And not necessarily because they're lazy, but because psychologically, their nervous system no longer associates contribution with safety. And honestly, that explains a lot about the modern workplace culture, if you ask me.

People don't lead well when they constantly feel threatened or unsupported or emotionally unsafe, which is why emotionally intelligent leadership matters so much. Not controlling leadership, not ego leadership, not performative leadership, but actually grounded leadership, the kind that creates enough stability for people to stay engaged instead of emotionally checking out.

And honestly, this conversation matters way beyond work too, because leadership isn't always formal. A lot of leadership is just relational. It's the willingness to bring steadiness into environments that could easily become chaotic. It's emotional regulation, accountability, presence, consistency, and sometimes leadership simply looks like being willing to stay in the hard moment long enough to help move something forward.

And not because it's technically your responsibility, but because you care enough not to ignore it. And honestly, maybe this is the real that's good moment of the entire episode. Leadership is not about being the smartest person in the room. It's not about your title, it's not about your visibility, and it's definitely not about avoiding every uncomfortable thing that crosses your path.

You see, real leadership is the willingness to stay engaged when it would be easier to emotionally check out. That's good, right? That's where you wanna be It's being the person who still communicates when tension shows up, still takes ownership when mistakes happen, still helps when nobody's watching, still cares when everybody else has become detached.

Because avoiding responsibility might protect your comfort temporarily, but ownership builds your character long-term. And I think what I really want people to take away from this episode. Not that you should carry everything, not that every problem belongs to you,  not that burnout somehow makes you a better leader, but that leadership requires emotional resilience.

It requires discomfort tolerance. It requires the ability to stay grounded in difficult moments instead of immediately disconnecting from them. Because the people who change environments, the people who change companies, the people who change relationships and culture are usually the people willing to stay present long enough to help move it forward.

That's leadership right there. And some of the most important leadership moments in your life will happen in ordinary situations that nobody claps for. The moments where you chose maturity over avoidance and ownership over apathy and consistency over ego. That's what I want you to remember. That's the leadership that we're aiming for here.

Before we wrap up today's episode, I do want to thank today's sponsor, Dentistry Support. One thing I've seen firsthand in this industry is how much the health of a practice comes down to leadership, communication, and the system supporting the people behind the scenes.

Dentistry Support helps practices with virtual support operations and systems that allow teams to function more efficiently without losing the human side of patient care. And honestly, that matters because burnout in healthcare and in dentistry is real and strong systems create healthier environments for both teams and patients.

So if you're a practice owner, office manager, or team leader feeling stretched thin, trying to hold everything together yourself, definitely check them out. Visit dentistrysupport.com and click sign up now or learn more or schedule a call. At the end of May, make sure you check out Phoenix Magazine because there's going to be a really special feature announced involving this podcast and two other of my companies.

And honestly, I am incredibly grateful and excited for what is unfolding right now. So stay tuned for that. As always, guys, no silver spoons over here. We build things through grit, humility, emotional resilience, consistency, and the willingness to do the work that most people overlook or simply  📍 just won't do.

I'll catch you guys on the next episode.